Jordan threw me against the brick wall. He was 10 times stronger than me but that didn't mean he could kill his little brother. Right? I felt blood run down my neck staining my only nice shirt red. I wanted to get up and run at him but my world was already spinning. I watched Jordan, Nathan and some fat RD slowly walk toward me. I struggled to stand but used the rigid bricks as a stepping stool. Nathan pulled his gun from his back waistline and pointed it at my forehead. My heart skipped two beats, maybe even three, but I felt incompitent. Was I really dying at 16? At this moment so many questions flew through my brain : Maybe I should've killed that Spitz? If mom wasn’t dead would I still be this way? Am I truly in the wrong right now? Is Nathan really gonna shoot me?! A tear escaped my eye. That was my first tear in 14 years. When I was little dad and Jordan would tell me “ ya cry, you’ll turn into one of those Spitz! an will have to kill ya” but I didn't cry for 14 years and there I was. One of ‘our’ own pointing a gun at my forehead. I watched Jordan punch me, but I wasn’t gonna move. I deserved it, not to die but to be hit- yes. Blood spit out of my mouth. Jordan wrapped his hand around my neck and started screaming at me “ I don’t understand you Blade!” a tear? I watched my brother cry for the first time then. I could never figure it out even with this moment playing on repeat for years. Was it from anger, grief, sadness, or knowing what was gonna happen next. “Blade, You're useless! Mom would be so disappointed to have had a son like you! Stand up for yourself!” I never was one to fight verbally or physically so I stayed quiet and allowed Jordan to keep hitting me and yelling at me but If I knew what I know now I would’ve yelled back, fought back even. Jordan let out one loud, painful scream. “AUGHHHH” He let go of me and turned away, I fell to the ground; everything was blurry. Jordan wispears “I love you Blade. No matter what your my brother…” BANG!
I watched my brother put a gun to his head and shoot himself.
I rushed to my feet and ran to him. I fell next to his limp, dead, and dirty body. Tears filled my vision and weeps and screams filled my ears. I held Jordan close to me, not letting him go for a moment. “Why?! Jordan!? I needed you! I need you! goddammit! You can’t leave us now! Alright - You're right, I'm useless, and I'll change! Just please-please come back!” Nathan tried to grab me and hug me but I wanted nothing to do with him. Anger grew inside of me towards him and I hit him, kicked him, spat at him, and I reached for the thing I thought I’d never reach for. I reached for Jordans gun. I look at it in my hand ; Nathan just watched me. A sad smile raised the edges of my lips ``Jordy I made something for you, for us and I finally realized it wasn’t BS what ma told me '' I looked Nathan in the eyes, a tear fell and I pointed the gun at him ; he didn't move. I pulled a paper out of my pocket, I wrote a poem or what Jordan liked to call a rap and I wanted J to hear it then and maybe I wanted to calm myself down and I’m glad I did.
“It’s either fight or get killed,
There ain't no way to be fulfilled.
If that white man don’ get me -
You're black as will.
My life I can’ live.
You play go-fish -
while I go play poker.
Your that real smoker -
look at ya’ man you look like the joker.
Lock up my Pa
Glock up my Ma
I placed my finger on the trigger of the gun. And shook it in Nathan’s face.
Killin my dawg
I looked at Jordan and more tears rushed down my face.
I should be drawn-
Straight to the violence-
I threw the gun at the wall.
But look at me G-
I am your icon.
Playin my age - aint no game
Fighting to be alive, with no one by my side
I’m living with this pain.
Aint having no one to find- when I’m dead on the inside.
I screamed and kneeled down to kiss Jordans cold forehead. I stood up to feel Arms wrapped around me, I heard voices cheering, ma’s crying, and then I felt my mama and Jordan smiling ; looking over me. This moment changed me. It allowed me to realize I am more than just a thug with no voice meant to kill. I am going to make a change. Raven ran over to me and ran her hand through my hair. Tears ran down both our faces ``Cole - It's gonna be okay. I’m - we’re always here for you.” She hugged me and it made this cold moment warm. She saved me then and now, But I didn't know that yet because that moment was cut short. We heard gunshots coming from around the corner. The Spitz found out information real quick back then - especially when a Cole dies. Everyone at that moment either ran into the closest shelter or grabbed their guns. I ran to my place with Raven and Trayvon but heard the Spitz yell before I could shut the door “Blaaaaade! We’re gonna get ya, and ya lil’ sista’! You supid Coles are done for!”
Reflection:
Within this piece of I’m not your Thug it represents a moment of Tragedy, pain, and love. Blade watches his brother kill himself leading to Blade’s major identity crisis. The quotation I added “Maybe I should've killed that Spitz? If mom wasn’t dead would I still be this way? Am I truly in the wrong right now?” to clearly represent the feeling’s flowing and questioning himself about who he is. At a young age Blade questions everything about himself so that maybe he will fit his societal image better. I added the metaphor “Jordan let out one loud, painful scream.” to represent the sadness and anger within his emotions. Moreover, a Simile was used to allow the reader to see how Blade looked at others who were faking to be someone else “look at ya’ man you look like the joker”. However, at the end of this section Blade gains reassurance on him being himself and not having to change “This moment changed me. It allowed me to realize I am more than just a thug with no voice meant to kill. I am going to make a change.” A poem/rap is included within this writing piece to allow the reader to understand that was something he did not just for himself but for his brother. This poem with rhyming couplets allows the fast beat to go along with his fast breaths and heartbeat. This writing section allows the reader to realize change within his mind and identity - changing to be more of what he ‘wanted’.
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